Posts tagged anger

Raise Your IQ, Genius!


↑ previous ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. next ↑

“Okay, so you’re a rocket scientist. That don’t impress me much.” – Shania Twain

You have got genius inside of you! That is a fact. Discovering the roots of that genius and cultivating it depends upon your IQ. I am not referring to the standardized, culturally-biased Intelligence Quotient. Neither am I referring to any particular cognitive talent you may have; there are plenty of talented people who forfeit the strength, endurance, and power to develop their gift(s). What sets the thriv-ers apart from the languish-ers is their Investedness Quotient.

Just as money invested wisely yields dividends that contribute to personal wealth, your Self invested wisely yields dividends that contribute to personal enrichment. When people criticize others saying–“She is so self-centered.” “He is so self-involved.” “How selfish can you be?”–they speak about a particular kind of behavior pattern that alienates others. Self-investedness, however, conveys a focus on the Self regarding what matters most to us, what relationships and activities we pursue, and what dedication of time we allow based on our values, principles, and ideals.

I know a young man who is a self-involved drug addict. (As it happens, addicts tend to have low Investedness Quotients.) When I inquired into his motives for developing a drug habit, he blamed it on boredom. My response, had I the opportunity to do it over, would have been, “Get a LIFE, man!” This perpetually regressive adolescent, no doubt, self-medicates pain that he discusses with nobody. But more than that, he lacks self-investedness, and this down-fall defines him unless and until he takes steps to invest in himself.

What do such steps look like?

  • A rational decision to love ourselves enough not to pollute and impair ourselves.
  • A regular involvement in pro-social activities–to leave situations better than how we encountered them.
  • A daily commitment to be of service to at least one other human being.
  • A generous dedication of time and attention to a rewarding skill or ability.
  • A judicious willingness to share about our pain (sorrows, frustrations, anger, etc.) with a person wiser than us.
  • A heartfelt endeavor to assume responsibility for shortcomings and to make amends as warranted.
  • A bold admission that, if there is a Higher Power, each of us is not it.
  • A continuing inquiry into what these steps look like in our uniquely personal experience.

As for the genius inside us, it is our birthright. We may not conceive of its wherewithal, but we are called to find it. Just as the best possible way to manage a problem–the optimal coping strategy–always exists, and we are called to find it. We were not made to languish but rather to thrive. To the degree that we are disconnected from that, we need to raise our IQ. Take a risk. You are the best investment you could ever make! ( Good_Vibes_Only)

If you are ready and willing to self-reflect, re-evaluate your behavior, and make judicious decisions about your Life, please Contact Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation, and we will develop a “portfolio” that makes you rich.

To view other blog entries, click on the left or right titles above the current blog title.

This Wasn’t Supposed To Happen!!


Anastasia lost her job. Bonnie received a cancer diagnosis. Conrad became a victim of an apartment robbery. When we encounter turns of fate that are unfavorable and unexpected, we confront emotional distress. However we interpret the experience and whatever emotional material it evokes, we cannot avoid the reality of the situation.

Faced with loss, illness, hardship, injustice, the ability to respond effectively may seem impossible. But we can gain insight into our process of making sense out of difficulties when we observe the process of GRIEF. A theory that I find useful in coping with the death of safety and security proposes five stages set forth by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her treatise entitled On Death And Dying:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

These stages are not discretely linear. Stages may overlap, and prior stages may be revisited in the course of healing.

Given the benefit of this knowledge, we can work with GRIEF, allowing ourselves to feel the emotions that come up and giving ourselves permission to be patient with our particular process. We can proactively cope with our reaction by journaling, by talking with a trusted friend or counselor, by joining a support group, by relying on or building a support network, and even by engaging in recreation, e.g., exercising, and by serving others.

Many times we do not have control over losses, illnesses, hardships, or injustices, but we do have control over our attitudes and behaviors in response to them. Why not take control where we have it!? Approach the process of GRIEF with permission and intention. We will then shape our emotional landscape, exercising the STRENGTH and POWER to move forward, and regaining the FLEXIBILITY to be at ease again.

If you desire a way to better address crises and grief, please Contact me, Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation–Resiliency Coaching–and I will guide you in making attitudinal and behavioral changes for the better.

To view other blog entries, click on the left or right titles above the current blog title.

LIKE us on our Facebook page:

Anxiety On The Menu


We tend to cope with anxiety in one of two ways: indulging it or starving it. Some of us encounter a difficult situation and (over)eat to make ourselves feel better; others of us may lose our appetite. Some of us encounter a relationship problem and rush to erase it; others avoid the person or the problem. Some of us react to bad news or rejection by getting angry or spiteful; others of us become defeated and ineffectual.

Two months ago, I flew halfway across the country to meet an old friend for the first time in 29 years. He reached out to me online 8 years prior, and the e-mail somehow arrived at this time. The reason for the delay is unknown–mystifying and perplexing. I met him with an open heart, anxious to renew my acquaintance with the spirit of the man that I had known 29 years earlier. I felt hurt to discover his dominating personality, his alienating judgments and criticisms, and his unkind treatment of me in light of such behavior. Upon returning home and after bearing my anger on paper, I allowed time to pass and decided to write a thoughtful letter, expressing my dismay. Two months after my visit, I mailed the letter and let go of the problem and my disappointment.

In the past, I would have rushed to engage him with my anger and spitefully match his meanness with my vengeance. Circumstances intervened and kept me from hasty action. In this instance, my tendency to indulge my anxiety was interrupted. And this proved advantageous. Meanwhile, in other situations, I still tend to starve my anxiety. Sometime when I feel bothered by a problem in a relationship, I try to resolve it in my head without involving the other person. At other times, I approach the other person in order to resolve the matter.

There are BALANCED ways to cope with anxiety. Maturity and discipline provide keys to select the optimal response in difficult situations. The next time you feel the desire to indulge or starve anxiety, take a moment to choose a considered approach. Pay attention to your problem-solving style, and you will discover that anxiety appears in big and little ways.

Which way do you tend to cope with anxiety? Do you indulge it or do you starve it?

As you find clarity about our responses to anxiety, you may find that your problem-solving style does not produce the benefits you desire. If you have problems and wish to change the unfavorable patterns, I can help. Contact Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation (Resiliency Coaching) and I will held you master anxiety so that it does not enslave you.

LIKE us on our Facebook page:

Freedom from Death


Emotional hurts have a way of making a lasting impression while all the big and little daily happiness-es can run like water through a fist.

I have been faced with hurts that have been difficult to clean up. One in particular was the loss of one of the great loves of my life. Losing my bearings and stalling on my life course, I became vigilant about preventing such vulnerability from happening again. So, I asked myself, “Self, if you found a loving partner and he leaves, would you regret allowing this person close enough to hurt you?” And Self hesitated.

Would anybody ever be worth that kind of power over me? The more interested I would be, the less willing I would be to take the risk. I would have my heart and mind trained to receive familiar signs of impending danger–red flags. However, with my heart and mind trained to notice every red flag, every possible joy would figure less prominently through that lens. That orientation would only lead me entertain the affections of someone whose hurtfulness would not mean much. This is a position of resiliency impairment, defeating the whole purpose of being in a relationship with someone whom I could love deeply and and who could love me deeply in return.

My only recourse from defeating my wish for another great love involved grieving the original loss and regaining my strength, or courage… and deliberately so. To grieve deliberately requires that I allow the thoughts and feelings where I resist letting go (grasp) to be expressed–thoughts, feelings, and physical discharge (crying, yelling, hitting pillows, etc.). To facilitate this, I need to allow someone else to witness my expression without judgment or personal commentary.

One way that I find helpful to guide the grief process involved Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ model from her book, On Death And Dying–denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. By focusing my attention on each stage, I have my say; whereas I had not had my say in the death of the great love. One way to gain perspective on the situation was to view it as a story: I called it “the loss of one of the great loves of my life.” I explained it as “he left me.” I described it as “heartbreaking,” saying “I absorbed the blow.” How else could I tell the story? The result of the call to grieve deliberately enabled me to release my resistance to the death of a dream.

Every grief is different between one person and the next and, for the same person, between one situation and the next. The time required to diminish the pain of grief likewise varies. If you are enduring a grief for a longer period than you would like, I can help. Contact me, Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation–Resiliency Coaching–and I will accompany you along the way.

LIKE us on our Facebook page:

We Need To Talk….


A common experience in human relationships is the offense of someone who, then, feels angry. Coupled with frustration, anger can result in an outburst! And the target of that outburst–you–can respond defensively with equal fury and the dynamic escalates, or with stubborn silence which fuels resentment.

Different people handle anger in different ways. Nevertheless, you can learn a more calming yet assertive response. You simply allow the person to run out of steam and then affirm what is going on in that moment:

“I can see that you are very angry with me.”
“I understand that you were hurt by what I said/did.”
“I would like to resolve this with your help.”

Usually by this time the affirming statements calm the angry person. If the need to communicate can be met immediately, find a private space perhaps with two chairs facing one another. In the event that you cannot address the issue immediately, state your desire to resolve the matter, set a day and time to do so, and keep that commitment.

You cannot control someone else’s outburst, but you can control your response. Your response, with practice, can become a habit of strength and courage, and eventually will be instinctive. Are you noticing a chronic pattern of your anger or of anger in one or more of your relationships?

For more strategies on how to handle the ensuing conversation, hire a Resiliency Coach for three months and learn how to handle confusion, conflict, and criticism. Contact me, Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation (Resiliency Coaching) and I will accompany you along the way.

LIKE us on our Facebook page:

Go to Top