Posts tagged heart

It’s Not You; It’s Me.

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[PREFACE: The relationship did not entail any bickering or unresolved issues. His reliance on the “It’s not you; it’s me” argument brought about his unilateral decision to end the relationship. Given the shock to me, only in retrospect could I put together the two clues and the one gut instinct to which I did not give proper credence.]

I once based my world on the Love of a lifetime. When the object of my affections withdrew, I broke. My long-held dismissal of marriage evoked an attitude that, within the bounds of a relationship, if my partner no longer loves me, then he needs to leave. However, once I felt the bond of Love to which I had laid my soul bare, relinquishing the attachment tore apart my heart and my mind.


Within the laws of the universe, he didn’t do anything to me to which I did not implicitly consent. He owed me nothing but a courteous good-bye. I am the one who based my world on this Love that I felt and that he ultimately did not. I endorsed his freedom to make his own decision about Love, choosing “me” or “not me.” How could I do otherwise?


The disappointment so complete, I am left to puzzle the damage. Political correctness suggests that I wish him well, but I do not.


In fact, I resent that he ever comes to mind, sneaking in when an empty space in my thoughts or something reminiscent occurs. Sadly, his abandonment will never go away so I must manage the impact. The best I can do with the fact that our past will always be part of my life in the sour way that curdled milk feels at the back of the throat–too late to un-swallow–is to put less importance on his interference in the present, neither inviting nor resisting it.


With time I hope that the ill he brought upon me will transform robbery into apathy. If his leaving makes room for a more suitable relationship, my appreciation for the turn of fortune may well instill a cautious optimism.


Now I know what it feels like to be decimated by someone who claimed to have loved me at one point and then chose not to love me when the time came to choose. If you know what it is to grieve for the living and need guidance along the recovery process, please Contact Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation, and we will invite a paradigm shift that brings clarity.

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Pigeon Under A Microscope

My housemate annoys me. She seems cordial at times and then just as randomly she ignores me for lengths of time. There exists no cause for animosity and yet she usually engages me only when she has a problem with me. Since our rapport is meager at other times, I do not feel warmly toward her. I also notice that she is quite critical of the world. To me, she appears as a cold-hearted woman. However, she carries herself as beloved by family, friends, and students.

My view of “Melody” pigeon-holes her even when my initial impression meets evidence to the contrary, which I perceive as exceptions to the rule. What if she experiences life with great sensitivity and her coldness is compensation for that? For example, she lost a daughter–her first-born child–to a disease that was not understood until the body sustained too much damage. Surely, Melody carries that heartache and quietly so regarding me.

I deliberately behave with all manner of courtesy around Melody, and it neither endears me to her nor allows rapport to develop. My fear is that I am always one small step away from her discontent and that she will be more concerned with her interests than with negotiating a peaceable or win-win scenario.

In an effort to remove Melody from the pigeon hole, I must give credence to the relationships in which she enjoys rapport and mutual support even though I am not privy to such benefits. Melody may or may not like me. Nevertheless, it has been months since any problem his arisen between us. Finding the GRACE to clarify her presence with good will and making my attitude toward her more favorable allows me to change my perspective on Melody.

If you are caught in a relationship where your microscopic view of another person limits your perspective on that person, please Contact me, Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation–Resiliency Coaching–and I will guide you in shifting your approach to the person in question.

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Freedom from Death

Emotional hurts have a way of making a lasting impression while all the big and little daily happiness-es can run like water through a fist.

I have been faced with hurts that have been difficult to clean up. One in particular was the loss of one of the great loves of my life. Losing my bearings and stalling on my life course, I became vigilant about preventing such vulnerability from happening again. So, I asked myself, “Self, if you found a loving partner and he leaves, would you regret allowing this person close enough to hurt you?” And Self hesitated.

Would anybody ever be worth that kind of power over me? The more interested I would be, the less willing I would be to take the risk. I would have my heart and mind trained to receive familiar signs of impending danger–red flags. However, with my heart and mind trained to notice every red flag, every possible joy would figure less prominently through that lens. That orientation would only lead me entertain the affections of someone whose hurtfulness would not mean much. This is a position of resiliency impairment, defeating the whole purpose of being in a relationship with someone whom I could love deeply and and who could love me deeply in return.

My only recourse from defeating my wish for another great love involved grieving the original loss and regaining my strength, or courage… and deliberately so. To grieve deliberately requires that I allow the thoughts and feelings where I resist letting go (grasp) to be expressed–thoughts, feelings, and physical discharge (crying, yelling, hitting pillows, etc.). To facilitate this, I need to allow someone else to witness my expression without judgment or personal commentary.

One way that I find helpful to guide the grief process involved Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ model from her book, On Death And Dying–denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. By focusing my attention on each stage, I have my say; whereas I had not had my say in the death of the great love. One way to gain perspective on the situation was to view it as a story: I called it “the loss of one of the great loves of my life.” I explained it as “he left me.” I described it as “heartbreaking,” saying “I absorbed the blow.” How else could I tell the story? The result of the call to grieve deliberately enabled me to release my resistance to the death of a dream.

Every grief is different between one person and the next and, for the same person, between one situation and the next. The time required to diminish the pain of grief likewise varies. If you are enduring a grief for a longer period than you would like, I can help. Contact me, Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation–Resiliency Coaching–and I will accompany you along the way.

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Is That A $100 Bill On The Floor?

I have a $100 dollar bill for you… if you want it. Yes?

Well, what if I wad it up in a ball. Do you still want it?

Now what if I stomp on it repeatedly with my filthy shoe? Do you still want it?

Finally, what if I tear it in two? Do you still want it?

The reason why we still want the $100 dollar bill is because no matter what abuse it suffers, it retains its inherent worth. And isn’t this so about the human being?

We face insults and rejection. We get our feelings hurt. We endure heartaches. We fail. How ever we experience a diminuation of self, the truth remains that we retain our inherent worth.

What then is the loss of self-esteem subsequent to troubles that shape our life? The illusion that good fortune in life affirm our goodness and bad fortune in life punish our badness defines a “just-world hypothesis.” The reality, in fact, indicates that bad fortune visits good people and good fortune visits bad people. And the only reason why this is so, according to HEROES, pertains to the universal purpose of life–lessons. Nowhere in the process of this universal purpose is there a down-side to high self-esteem; it only reinforces the love, the responsibility, and the healing to ourselves and to others.

No matter what other people may think, say, feel, or do about us, we must safeguard our life by building and never forfeiting our self-esteem. This means, we love ourselves, even as some may neglect us and withhold the emotional nourishment we need. We get our needs met elsewhere. We adhere to values and principles that embody high self-esteem, and find social support to reinforce them. We “walk the talk,” honoring our word to ourselves and to others. In so doing, we foster resiliency and prepare to thrive.

Tell me how you preserve your inherent worth. If you struggle with low self-esteem, I can help. Contact me, Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation (Resiliency Coaching), and I will guide you in the re-emergence of your inherent worth.

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