Posts tagged hurt

Freedom from Death

Emotional hurts have a way of making a lasting impression while all the big and little daily happiness-es can run like water through a fist.

I have been faced with hurts that have been difficult to clean up. One in particular was the loss of one of the great loves of my life. Losing my bearings and stalling on my life course, I became vigilant about preventing such vulnerability from happening again. So, I asked myself, “Self, if you found a loving partner and he leaves, would you regret allowing this person close enough to hurt you?” And Self hesitated.

Would anybody ever be worth that kind of power over me? The more interested I would be, the less willing I would be to take the risk. I would have my heart and mind trained to receive familiar signs of impending danger–red flags. However, with my heart and mind trained to notice every red flag, every possible joy would figure less prominently through that lens. That orientation would only lead me entertain the affections of someone whose hurtfulness would not mean much. This is a position of resiliency impairment, defeating the whole purpose of being in a relationship with someone whom I could love deeply and and who could love me deeply in return.

My only recourse from defeating my wish for another great love involved grieving the original loss and regaining my strength, or courage… and deliberately so. To grieve deliberately requires that I allow the thoughts and feelings where I resist letting go (grasp) to be expressed–thoughts, feelings, and physical discharge (crying, yelling, hitting pillows, etc.). To facilitate this, I need to allow someone else to witness my expression without judgment or personal commentary.

One way that I find helpful to guide the grief process involved Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ model from her book, On Death And Dying–denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. By focusing my attention on each stage, I have my say; whereas I had not had my say in the death of the great love. One way to gain perspective on the situation was to view it as a story: I called it “the loss of one of the great loves of my life.” I explained it as “he left me.” I described it as “heartbreaking,” saying “I absorbed the blow.” How else could I tell the story? The result of the call to grieve deliberately enabled me to release my resistance to the death of a dream.

Every grief is different between one person and the next and, for the same person, between one situation and the next. The time required to diminish the pain of grief likewise varies. If you are enduring a grief for a longer period than you would like, I can help. Contact me, Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation–Resiliency Coaching–and I will accompany you along the way.

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We Need To Talk….

A common experience in human relationships is the offense of someone who, then, feels angry. Coupled with frustration, anger can result in an outburst! And the target of that outburst–you–can respond defensively with equal fury and the dynamic escalates, or with stubborn silence which fuels resentment.

Different people handle anger in different ways. Nevertheless, you can learn a more calming yet assertive response. You simply allow the person to run out of steam and then affirm what is going on in that moment:

“I can see that you are very angry with me.”
“I understand that you were hurt by what I said/did.”
“I would like to resolve this with your help.”

Usually by this time the affirming statements calm the angry person. If the need to communicate can be met immediately, find a private space perhaps with two chairs facing one another. In the event that you cannot address the issue immediately, state your desire to resolve the matter, set a day and time to do so, and keep that commitment.

You cannot control someone else’s outburst, but you can control your response. Your response, with practice, can become a habit of strength and courage, and eventually will be instinctive. Are you noticing a chronic pattern of your anger or of anger in one or more of your relationships?

For more strategies on how to handle the ensuing conversation, hire a Resiliency Coach for three months and learn how to handle confusion, conflict, and criticism. Contact me, Vanessa Landau, Resiliency Trainer, for Co-Creative Transformation (Resiliency Coaching) and I will accompany you along the way.

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